Over these last few weeks, I’ve spent a considerable amount of time contemplating and reflecting on the past year. Despite feeling shame, embarrassment, and regret around some of these themes, I’m deciding to share them in case it resonates with or reassures others.

The stories we tell ourselves

Some of the less-than-helpful stories that have surfaced are:

If I do what I love, I’ll get a target on my back…So I’d better not stand up, speak up, or stick out.

I should just be content with what I have and where I am. I should be realistic, be grateful, not ask for too much or aspire too greatly.

I should be realistic and admit that I’m going to give up, lose traction, not see it through. I’m a quitter.

The presiding and guiding conclusion: It’s safer to not make waves, to live in the shadows, to graciously accept what I’m given.

Years of writing and thousands of dollars poured into a fancy website — all deleted with two clicks.

The manuscript for my first book in a decade, abandoned in a folder.

I couldn’t truly fail at something I never really tried… Right?

Depending on others for the wrong things

I never really knew how to live my life for myself; my purpose was defined solely by how I was making others feel and what meaning I could bring to their lives.

Habitually, I poured my energy into people or projects that I knew would never reciprocate, even if they wanted to. The greater the disparity, the more purposeful I felt… Until it inevitably left me feeling drained and resentful.

I’ve looked to others for purpose, for passion, for empowerment, and distraction. There’s no better excuse for not

I’ve looked to others for the unconditional love I’d never received, the devotion I’d always craved, and the nurturing I was unable to ask for.

Time and time again, I had read that everything I was looking for outside of myself was already on the inside. Something I was capable of giving to myself.

But….I just couldn’t believe it or see how that would be possible because I had no idea how to access it, let alone bestow it upon myself.

How this all played out in 2025

This past year has been a year of revelations. Of health struggles (physical, emotional, spiritual), of relationship struggles, of financial struggles, and a bunch of other struggles in between.

And while I’d believed in those moments I was experiencing those struggles because I was so broken and behind, I realize now that I had these struggles because I was awakening. Finally, my challenges were illuminated, and once I saw them, I chose not to turn my back or bury my head.

Granted, much of it felt like it was happening to me, rather than a choice. And to varying degrees, some of it was beyond my control.

But what was within my control was how I handled it. And I’m not coming out of this year feeling victorious, like I made every right choice and maximized the outcomes.

Frankly, I made a mess of a lot of things.

Now, I’ll catch myself before I get too deep in the self-criticism spiral (look, I’m learning), and say that I didn’t screw up everything. There were meaningful connections, memorable moments, and fulfilling accomplishments.

There was a mix of a lot of things.

Though I would’ve preferred to come out of this year feeling like an undefeated champ, what I am coming out with is the appreciation for what went well, the awareness of what didn’t, and the ambition to do better this new year.